depression regression II

 I'm   never really prepared to handle pain.

I'm told of its many forms,

but I wasn't taught how to manage the impact,

holding myself up as its waves crash against

 

my shore; my heart and faith,

continuous crashing, throwing debris against my flesh,

making me feel it, the revelation,

 

the one that drops me to my knees,

I wanted to avoid this very thing

 

but it’s here and engraving itself into my mind,

 

limbic control, it knows it has struck gold,

it has a hold on me that only my third eye can unleash..

spiritual epiphany

religion isn’t my strong suit,

I believe in my God, my Allah,

 
my higher power,

 
the One who determined my life

before She who served as my vessel connected with He,

who provided the seed of a spirit lead by eternity,

but I am not subscribed,

 
I am not perfect,

 
I am not saved,

 
I am learning to live according to my God’s plan,

 
I am learning patience,

 
I am learning acceptance of self and Others,

 
I am understanding who I am and my purpose,

I can only live by what I understand,

 
as I continue to grow my outlook alternates,

 
I would say enhance but not every change is good,

 
according to the standard that i am breaking through

the bounce back has always been harder than the fall,

I am realizing where I belong,

I am lashed for my opinion,

I am a sinner but my sins don’t determine the amount of wins

my God, my Allah blesses me with,

 
so please do not attempt to calculate the greatness He places upon my fate,

I am far from an example of who to be,

embracing the truth laid within this spiritual epiphany. 

giving thanks..

as much as I want to write a poem,

at this moment in time my mind needs to purge,

I need to let these thoughts off

regardless if I will be heard,

from my daughter to my best friends,

to my mother, to my love & birthday twin,

to all who've stood beside me through

the aches and pains, tears of shame,

I'm thankful for your patience

thankful that my name isn't etched

into stone shadowing my grave

or within the urn, it wasn't my turn to roll the dice

I hesitated, fumbling with my fingers

debating with my life,

decided twice that I wasn't ready

I was in my feelings, mentally unsteady

but my tribe, the Ones who stood beside me

and let me confide as desired,

commemorated my presence

carried me through the fire,

kept me inspired to revive

evened out my odds,

never doubted your placement by God

with these words I give you thanks,

with my love I show you grace. 

silent

 sealed lips hit better than loose lovers

revealed my secrets under the cover 

now inquiring minds wander

droopy eyes paired with low-spirited shoulders

posture holds every burden that has touched my soul

your treachery beams brighter than the sneer

that glows upon your shell of gold

immaculate exterior

interior supercilious

silly of us, you trusting me

trusting you with sharing love,

it's chaotic, your difficulty of being silent

this bond was formed to be private

why open the vessel for negative mindsets,

when it's only us within this peace

light illuminates so serene

eidetic memory to relive this scene

I love how you love us

aside from being misleading

a sucker for your love

your lack of silence is displeasing.

it’s time

the days seem longer

it could be the time

unsure if that would make a difference

alive, honored with another appearance

it is condemning and lacks forgiveness

conscious of the obvious

asking permission would be sinful of me if it’s 

not within His mission,

seeking constant pleasure

it’s presence is warranted

when my ego is under the weather,

piece me together and make me better,

killing me softly with it’s venom

exchanging lines

lauper with my time

use it wisely,

catch my falls and cuddle my mistakes

hold the chastisement,

liberate when I may no longer awake,

here and now listen to my voice,

the bass of the portrait that I paint

it may have snatched my cords

but it is not the answer to the life that I face,

I broke the code invading it’s space

my peace is free reign

it’s emotion is fair weather based,

overstep the boundary

I break free yet it continues to chase

the temptation to believe

when it’s just my imagination running away from me. 

writer’s block

this period of silence, I’m not sure what to call it. 

I mean, do I really have to name it?

It, it is simply a stage.

A moment, perhaps. 

Like a hiccup, that little gallop in time 

that feels like it’ll last forever even after you’ve attempted 

every remedy to get you back on track.

 from mental overload to verbal diarrhea.

intellectual constipation,

so much information I went off track

lost the grip on what I’m chasing

confused about the self-inflicted abuse

baby girl, why do you fear the unknown? 

why do you sour sweet moments with irrational thoughts when you’re alone? 

pain was my home, it was all I knew

now unearthed, questioning the next move

blocking my blessings with second guessing

stressing about what my God has already settled

may my mind rest tonight as I sleep in peace

meditating over the chorus that my angels sing to me. 

untitled

I've had this page drafted for weeks, 

searching for the words 

of what my heart speaks

I sit in the hopes of production 

but doubt makes me tussle

I have no desire to boast or self-sulk

as I stroll through this mental hustle,

progression against procrastination

reality or hallucination

genuine and phantom sensations

with no intention to rhyme

writing to understand why I’m wasting my time

I know the answer but seeing is believing

I overcame that Hell but now I’m grieving

I fell short of consoling myself of my achievements

still I rise, no weakened spirits will be pleased by my soulful cries

bargaining with what’s best for me

and what God has as my destiny

I trust that He blocks all negativity from my peace

and continues to lead me with ease.

10/2

i envisioned myself that way

upholding the standard personally set

gambled against myself

came up short

sulking in regret

i questioned my power 

when my worthiness was not 

living by the final hour

assumed i was already in hell

until You knocked

CMXXIX

29 on the 29th,

thanking my God for another year of life

ascension

four to five sips later

i'm analyzing,

let's go back 20 years and discuss

the incidents that influenced my hatred of life,

of people, of existence at all,

i'm being sarcastic but for real,

my mind does that,

to be fair, i must admit that i think myself into depression,

i make myself fear something that is truly joyous,

made to inspire me 

i search for ways to destroy it

when things are just too good,

i fear that something tragic is going break that cycle,

unfortunately, that "tragic" thing is ME,

i think the worse and it happens,

i pray for good but wish to be right 

by preparing for the bad,

the mind is a dangerous thing,

consciously walking dead.

August 21, 2022

§

 

(re)introduction

So, I have this flaw

a notion born of shaky minds,

a hint of confrontation

is my cue to flee the crime

of broadcasting a murderous language

my reflection gives rage

in preparation of my tongue

enunciating curses.

§

i've decided to use this blog as a way to cope,

not really searching for answers to heal, 

just an outlet expressing hope,

where feelings have slowly declined,

trauma almost killed me,

i gave the devil my mind,

and stole it back,

anxiety attacks my system,

show empathy then dismiss them,

smile like a Sinner

transparent to a Saint

gullible in times of war

it's like He builds me up,

then humbles me with misery

claiming the peace I finally endured,

and here I am,

reminiscing,

Last September, 

a time I'll always remember,

Blessed I saw my 28th

instead of decaying 

honoring my desired fate,

at that time..

..i can't go off track

this moment was intended for introduction,

but I started thinking, 

allowing my memory to explore

long story short, 

i'm here for myself,

and for you, within the pages

i'm speaking what i feel is true,

if it resonates with you,

let God lead you where He needs to